All Consuming

I am starting to direct this blog more to writing rather than my photography because as many of you know I have been struggling to do a lot of personal work since university has happened. It's been a struggle but I am going to try and work over it once winter break happens and during the exam period when I have six days off while being in downtown Toronto.

Now don't go getting worried, I am still going to be posting photos here as much as I can. That just means as much as I can will be much less than before.

Instead I want to try and blog more profound thoughts. I know that I may not be the best writer ever but I do feel as if I am an artist and that I have a unique perspective on things compared to other people. I feel like I am good at expressing myself through words even if it is not the most effective or clear all the time. I have cloudy thoughts that translate into tornadoes of conflict and happiness but somehow find their way into an order of a sentence on a page while still destroying everything sensible in their path.

I have been writing this post for over three weeks and I have concluded that maybe I should post it because I can't decide what to write anymore. I'll try to blog over my holiday, but don't hold me to it.

Arkells Part 2

I went to see the Arkells on Saturday too, oops.

All the photos are on my VSCO Grid, so give me a follow.

duplicatedphotography.vsco.co/#/p/1

Arkells

I went to go and see the Arkells play last night at Danforth Music Hall in Toronto, ON, and it blew my mind. I didn't know I could love a band so much and being front row in General Admission meant I could almost touch Max's Hand. I swear I would have fainted if I wasn't a strong person. Every time he smiled I smiled and it was just oh my gosh the most incredible thing in the world. I want to go back and watch them tonight and saturday I just never want it to end.

PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN:

Why did I never post these?

Buskers Fest in Waterloo, ON, Summer 2014

Rebecca's Yard and Barn, Summer 2014

September, October

I have been horrible at taking photos of myself since university has started because I am truly a wimp. I don't want to go outside and take self portraits and be judged and I really have no time and I think all my stuff is going to be stolen and blah, blah, blah.

Here's Septembers photo featuring my dorm room and October' photo featuring me being back home in my comfort zone (I am such a wimp)

September

October

What defines being homesick?

Lately I have been feeling emotional about being away from home. I just was wondering what being homesick really means and I want to explain my thoughts on the subject to you all.

When I think of the word homesick, I interpret that as missing the place where you come from and the people that mean the most to you. Maybe I don't feel like I would define me being away from my home and missing my family as homesickness because it's not something I cannot deal with. Homesickness is the unbearable longing to be home with family and in a place that is familiar so much that it affects the way you build relationships and the amount of work you get done while you are away from said home. Yes, I miss my family each and every day, but the reality is I need to grow up and find myself without them to truly be able to appreciate them and thrive on my own and have my own life. Being independent, even if for a short amount of time is important in my personal opinion in building character and a sense of the world around you.

Many people stay close to home to save money and be close to their family because they need that familiarity to keep going in their lives and I completely understand that. Lots of people leave home and realize they cannot handle losing that physical closeness with the people they love and they slowly go back. I know I will always want to be close to my family, but for me it's not about physically being with the, it's about having a lasting connection so that no matter where I end up, they're always there with me.

I got a little off topic but that's alright. Homesickness is natural and most people experience it in a different way. I am homesick and I miss home and my family but I'd rather be here finding myself on my own terms and making my own struggles and learning my own lessons instead of having to be caught every time I make a mistake.

I want to fall. I want to fly.

I want to be myself.

I know you know.

       The leaves are still falling off of the trees as the first signs of winter appear in the form of flurries floating through the crisp autumn air. I have been at Ryerson University for the past two months pursuing my passion for photography and if I am honest, I have nothing to complain about. I am in love with my program, I have found some incredible friends that I think I could have forever and I am exploring myself for real for the first time in my whole life. But there's something I can't explain. There's something that is calling me away, distracting me from clarity. How can something feel so wrong when the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly? Maybe there's a piece missing from the middle that can't be found here. Maybe I haven't even found the whole puzzle yet and there's a whole section of myself I still ned to find. Uncertainty is never something I've been able to deal with well. I like plans and I like knowing how things will pan out. I follow my passions because they fill this space in my heart and my soul that I can't even describe with words.
       One thing that I feel is pulling me away from studying photography is my passion. I feel like having a passion for something is great but maybe going to school for my passion isn't something that I want. Maybe it ruins the love I have for something and my vision for my photography becomes more lost than found. I feel like I am becoming lost in the space between love and work. That space has become too big and if that space is too big, work and passion cannot find each other on common ground. When your passion cannot be mixed with work, the gap increases. I can feel the gap widening with my uncertainty and I don't want to be lost in the darkness. Sure, I know photography will always make me happy but at what cost to my freedom and my mind?

There's some words to bite on for now. Here's some of my first semester work.

still life 101

convenience store still life

levitating hangers

production class 106

July, August

I finally took my July and August photos! They were probably a week apart, but I still took them in their respective months and even battled through my hectic work schedule of 6:30am till 3pm every week day to get them. Here was the result.

July

August

Eric & Emily

I did a lovely photoshoot of Eric Devos and his girlfriend and one of my close friends Emily Orr for some practice towards getting into photography for university. Here's a few of their favourite photos, and mine too.

analog.

photos from march 2013 and summer 2013. film. underwater disposable.